Today, I am going to Smith Rock for the weekend with a climbing class. It will be the first time I've been back there since my accident. I'm going down a day early to have some "alone time" so that I can begin to make peace with myself and the place.
The last time I was there, I was being evacuated/rescued from my fall. I remember looking around the park as I was being hauled out, looking up at the rocks, still quite in shock and disbelief. My last impressions of the place were of pain, disbelief, and a slow-motion. surreal fog.
My plan is to walk to the base of the climb where I fell, sit there and see what happens inside of me.
I joked with some friends last night that maybe I would kick the rocks a few times.
"Take that!"
And wouldn't it be funny if I then ended up breaking my toe and coming out of there with a toe splint.
No, I don't think I'll be kicking anything.
It's peace I want.
In thinking about all of this, these words came into my head the other day and evoked some strong emotion, which I will try to remember this weekend....
"Tamara, you have suffered enough.... "
In my head and heart, I will be holding these words and feelings of compassion, of self-forgiveness, of peace.
It is time to let go.
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